Ok Family, I am departing from the usual cynicism to post my Christmas tree decorating story. Perhaps the warm loving glow of this tale will detract from the cold harsh realities of my other posts!

A Krista Tree story

It seems to get harder and harder to relax during a vacation. And that holds true for the current Christmas vacation. But as I reflect back on the season – which included 2 birthdays, a family excursion to the Nutcracker ballet, Christmas eve service, multiple basketball practices and games, rearranging multiple rooms in the house, setting up multiple Christmas trees, Shopping, hosting our family, repairing toilets, shelves, appliances, toys and cars……well, it confirms that vacations are not always restful! But one tradition…this post, truly captures a special memory for us that at least makes working hard worthwhile.

My wife, Krista, loves Christmas. She loves it spiritually, she loves having the family together, she loves choosing special gifts for the kids and especially, she loves decorating for Christmas. In particular, she loves decorating the tree. In fact, it is more about CREATING the tree rather than decorating it.Each year I watch as she (and sporadically Garnett) decorate the tree. I do not watch for the whole time, mainly because it takes at least three days (more with the ongoing tweaking). Krista’s only nod to simplicity and convenience is an artificial pre-lit tree from Frontgate that we wheel in from the garage. As the tree cover is unzipped at least an hour is spent arranging the limbs… I have tried to explain that God does not arrange tree limbs in the forest or that Nature is not always symmetrical, only to hear “Well, it should be”.For many years, tree had to be arranged with the “best side” facing forward.

Early in our marriage I invested in a wheeled tree. That was not a luxury, it is an essential component to any Krista tree. I realized this when helping her set up a tree before we were married. It was a real tree, nice, heavy, fresh, prickly real tree. After forcing it into the stand, squeezing it through multiple doorways into the house, putting down a plywood base and plastic to protect the floor, and spending the requisite 20 minutes adjusting the tilt, Krista came in to view my handiwork. Full of machismo and confidence in my skills, I naively asked, “How does it look?”. She pursed her lips, tilted her head slightly and said, “Hmm, could you rotate it a couple inches to the right?” I spryly slid down onto my belly, reached under the tree and gently rotated the tree a couple of inches….”Hmmm” – I heard from somewhere behind and above me…”Maybe a little more”…”Just a little more” … “Tiny bit more…” .. “Wait, go back a little” …”A little more”..” No, The other way was better, go back the other way”….And 20 minutes later, covered in pine needles, sticky from sap, and wrists throbbing from manhandling the full weight of the tree I heard the blessed words “Yes. That’s it. That’s the best spot.” As I slowly crawled out, I noted the price tag of the tree dangling in front of me…In EXACTLY the same spot it was in before I began rotating the tree!!! —– I married her anyway…And our tree has wheels…

Or at least it did…But recently, technology (and inexpensive Chinese manufacturing) finally made the ultimate hi-tech breakthrough. Some of you might naively think this would be the tablet computer or smartphone. Nope. The single best technology breakthrough for Krista…..The Rotating Christmas tree stand. Yes ladies and gentlemen, our tree slowly rotates. Now technology always comes at a cost and so it is with the rotating Christmas tree (or RCT since everything needs an acronym). For example, now there is no way to skimp on decorating the back of the tree… THERE IS NO BACK! This was a 4 Motrin dilemma for Krista. Also she dropped at least 3 ornaments taking the ultimate decorating risk (ignoring all the manufacturers’ warnings) and daredevil that she is …. Actually decorating the tree WHILE IT WAS IN MOTION!!! (do NOT try this at home). But she is adapting, training and practicing….

The decorating process actually starts with placing the angel on top of the tree with an easy 15-20 minutes spent by me straining on a ladder making sure the angel is straight, the angel skirt is arranged ‘just so”, the lights from the tree show through the skirt etc…Diamond cutters spend less time aligning stones prior to making a cut….Then the ribbon or rose garland, is carefully unwound, wrapped around the tree, removed, rewound, removed, rewound, removed…………..you get the picture. Then arranged “just so”.

I can’t go into all the details, but I must describe the ornaments. I bring them in from our Christmas decoration storage area (akin to a hangar for the space shuttle) in the hermetically sealed Tupperware, compartmentalized, padded and well labeled, “guaranteed to preserve the spirit (and smell) of Christmas“ ornament storage boxes. And carefully, because, ‘Those are fragile!” (as these words are spoken, I always have a flashback to “FRA – JEE – LAY, It must be Italian!” from the movie A Christmas Story) I lower them to the floor. Transport companies could learn from Krista as she checks out the inventory, packing and condition of the ornaments and eventually gives me the nod to leave after the inevitable question “aren’t we missing a box?” This year I’ll invest in a bar code inventory system…

Now the dance really begins… With a hot cup of tea in one hand, a critical eye and a slight biting of the lower lip, the placing of the ornaments begins. This ladies and gentlemen is an art form lost sometime between the creation of Stonehenge and the Italian renaissance. One does not just hang ornaments on a tree, you position them. There are many factors to be considered:

1.The color, size and shape of the ornament

2.The lighting (from the tree lights and nearby windows)

3.The age and particular relevance of the ornament itself

4.The proximity to other ornaments

5.The consideration of factors 1-4 for the previously placed ornament as they relate to factors 1-4 for the ornament presently being considered

6. The age and reach of our son Garnett, as it relates to the value and historical significance of the currently considered ornament with the fragility of said ornament and distance from the ground kept in mind

7.Same as number 6 but replace Garnett with Kalli the dog plus Kimi and Sophie the cats

8.The Sparkle factor – an ethereal quality associated with an ornaments reflection index and location that can only really be determined by a Master Ornament Positioner.

9. And next, the dreaded spacing factor…. This is what separates the amateur from the true master. It is slightly related to factor number 4 (proximity) but involves the tree, ribbon and lights. It starts with a rhetorical question “Is there a gap here?”. This is a close relative to the question, “Which dress, (earrings, …..shoes, etc ) do you like better?” I don’t see the gap, but it is there! If I say yes, there is a sigh, pursing of the lips, slight frown and immediate relocation of the nearest three ornaments….If I say no, there is a sigh, pursing of the lips, slight frown and immediate relocation of the nearest three ornaments. I like to alternate between yes and no, but if she catches on, I switch to the 2 yes, then a no rhythm. It reminds me of waves on the beach, regular rhythm but not too predictable…(I’m losing it…)

10.One slight variation involves the memories factor. As certain ornaments are unpacked, they bring back memories and stories that are fondly recounted and then of course this takes us back to number 3 which requires re-positioning an entire sector of the tree…..

I really wish I could capture both the joy and consternation that adding in the rotation of the tree caused in the decorating process. It is somewhat akin to the difference in driving to the mall vs. planning a manned space mission to Mars. The sparkle factor changes with motion and Krista chasing a bare spot on the tree reminded me of a cat chasing a laser pointer. I actually had to get stitches where I bit my lip to avoid laughing out loud..,oh wait, Krista is now on Facebook….. I meant to say, I wish I had offered to help!

Anyway, I really could go on for a long(er) time. But eventually the tree is (mostly) done and we pack away the crates and admire her craftwork. Her caffeine levels have peaked, emotional cup is full and the spirit of Christmas is in full swing…

This will always be a cherished memory of my wife. And though it may look like just another Christmas tree, it is really a collection of memories and experiences that she recreates each year.

Merry Christmas Krista!