A little quiet time… sometimes a guy just needs to get away from it all.  At one point I thought the bathroom was a safe retreat.  No stress (hopefully), no worries, just taking care of business.  But once my lovable horde of Mongols///I mean lovely family/// came together, I noticed a small change.  Is was a tiny thing, a nit in the grand scheme of existence.  But as I grow older, I find that these tiny incidents are often harbingers of larger more significant trends.   So it was with the mystery of toilet paper.

Not sure about you guys but toilet paper was never a significant stress point in my early single years. Candidly, I don’t remember purchasing it.. ever.  But like the first small pebble that innocently tumbles down a hillside starting an avalanche….I noticed something different about my daily routine.  The pristine white roll we are discussing had been replaced by a stark empty brown cardboard roll.  So I replaced it with a nice, new full roll.  The next day as I entered the throne room… wait a minute…the brown cardboard roll is back again..hmm, that is strange..probably the cat..they also do strange things like this…I replace it again.  Later that day… NOW WAIT A SECOND… why is the roll empty again?!!

So began the lesson some thirteen years ago.  I have learned some valuable lessons but I also feel the need to impart this knowledge on you, my dear family.  I know that we had at least 2 face to face, standing room only classroom sessions in which I gather the family in the bathroom to educate you on the art of REPLACING the toilet paper (TP)… but to no avail.  So I will preserve this lesson on the web, since it is extremely likely that you will have your phone in your hands just prior to your own need for TP.

Before we begin the lesson, let me also give you some advice on buying TP.  You can never buy enough for this family. Every time you go to a store that sells it… buy some.  If we need to add to add on to the house to store it, I am OK with that.

But lets move on:

 You may not remember this from our first lesson, but let’s start with a premise. Toilet Paper can be replenished.  The appearance of the brown cardboard roll does not mean you have to use another bathroom because that one is broken (except at a public sports venue).  That brown roll indicates the need for a new roll. I have written several letters to Charmin expressing the need for printed text on the roll that explains that “TIME TO GET A NEW ROLL” in red, bold large font….but no response from their marketing department other than a Cease and Desist notice.

 The replacement process is not difficult, but does require 30 seconds of your precious time.  You will also need to put down the phone or ipad as this is a two handed chore. Don’t put it on the edge of the sink or near the toilet where in might fall in… again.

1. Inside the cardboard roll you might notice another cylindrical object.  That is the “roller” or “spindle” that you will have to remove.  I know you are now having a flashback to a Bond movie or Mission Impossible scene with timers, blinking lights and 7 seconds to disarm the device before the world ends.  But relax, though this is indeed a mechanical chore – it is pretty easy and there is no time limit… take all day if you want.
2. The inner cylinder is spring loaded – WHOA, again don’t panic.  You won’t need safety glasses and there is only a 1 in 10 million chance you will break a fingernail.  Just pull one end of the cylinder toward the center of the roll and pop! Out comes the cylinder and old cardboard roll.
3. This next part is a bit tricky – Get a new roll.  Therein lies yet another problem.  You see although I keep a minimum of 5 rolls in every bathroom and a pallet from Sam’s club in our storage closet, someone has to actually buy the rolls at the store, bring them in from the car, put them in storage and as needed, replenish the stock in the bathroom.  For now, let’s just assume that I will continue doing all those things until we get a fully trained elf on a shelf.
4. Now comes the most difficult part of the whole process. Put the new roll on the inner cylinder that you removed earlier.  By the way, the old cardboard tube can be discarded in the nearby trash receptacle – but if that is too much for now just drop it on the floor.  I always need new Blog material.   So pay attention!  Put the new roll on the cylinder with the edge of the new roll (or pull start) facing forward, toward you in the room and with the edge pointing to the floor.  I have again asked Charmin to print FRONT on the tab… no response.  In reading this point number 4, I think we should probably just stop at – put on a new roll…….I’ll fix it later.
5. Insert the cylinder into the wall holder and snap it back in place.
6. Pick up the TP, and cylinder from the floor from the floor where they fell. Insert the cylinder back in the roll, place one end of the cylinder into the hole in the wall holder, gently push in the cylinder toward the center of the roll and snap the other end in place.
7. Pick up the cylinder and roll from the floor again….read instruction 6 again and snap it back into place.
8.  Just leave the new roll on the floor… I’ll fix it later…..

I’ll laminate this post and hang it in the bathroom as well as creating an instructional video you can view while trying this.